Well, it appears that our ‘bump’ life is now unrecognisable from our previous existence… and I feel like now is perhaps the time for full disclosure about this erroneous blog.
When I set out to write this, I was hoping to come across as a hapless and confused male, blundering through the trepidations of pregnancy, without disclosing that I qualified many years ago as a Psychotherapist and also have post graduate qualifications in Behaviour Analysis. I deceitfully thought that I might try to appear dumbfounded by the whole process, and at the end of each post I could perhaps summarise by ‘stumbling onto’ [plagiarising] and rewording some psychodynamic or cognitive theory as to why things might be happening as they were, thus giving some reassurance to my partner when reading it, that I understood how she was feeling and also trying to make myself look rather clever in the process.
I have now come to the conclusion that it was grossly arrogant and misguided to think that any qualification that I might have, could give me any head start on trying to work these things out with any psychological theory that I might have retained… It is perhaps tantamount to me feeling that I am qualified to take the lead at delivering the baby because I was a dab hand at playing OPERATION when I was younger.
An update to where we are at the moment:
We still have morning sickness, it is just outwitting us more as to when it is going to occur now, usually but not often enough to set an alarm, at 2 in the morning… but only when I move… like the inconsiderate bastard that I am. We (she) now has the bladder of a hamster and needs to pee nineteen times a night… but only when I move… like the inconsiderate total bastard that I am.
I can sleep in the spare room if I want, but if I do, I often get a text explaining that she can’t sleep because I am not there… like the inconsiderate mother fu… you get it. She also cannot sleep if I fall asleep before her but needs to chat in bed before going to sleep.
My current sleeping regime is this:
Get into bed at whatever ludicrously early hour that she suggests, discuss positive things e.g puppies, babies, buying a caravan, making time to finally start doing craft together, until she starts to find me annoying or starts answering the imaginary person in her pre-dreams rather than me. I then sneak downstairs and totally regress, mostly sitting wrapped in multiple blankets, in the dark, making bad food choices and watching Family Guy.
An hour after her third pee trip it is generally safe to go up, gently roll her from star fish position into recovery position and hope that I have not passed the point when my body believes that it is morning.
The other change is that now we argue, really weird arguments, to a layman it might look like she is being totally irrational, but the terrifying thing is that there is a logic, of sorts, to it! We have probably had as many arguments in the last month as we have had in the last four years together, but now for good measure they are cryptic.
This was our last argument:
Me: I’m going to make a curry
Her: Fine but don’t make rice.
Me: Ok, I will just make rice for me.
Her: [annoyed voice] No, just don’t make rice.
Me: Why? its bloody normal to have rice! Why on earth! Can’t I have rice?!?
Her: [Angry voice] Because I have my pyjamas on and it is raining!
After some hurled insults, face palming and then a return to baseline period, it turns out that her logic was as follows – I[me] always make too much rice, if I make too much rice I will leave some of the curry, if I leave the curry it will go in the bin and will make the kitchen smell in the morning, which will in turn make her feel really sick. However she is already in her pyjamas and she knows that if she asks me to put the bin out when it is raining, I will usually say that I will do it in the morning and she is getting up before me that morning so that won’t happen.
I cannot fault that logic! It terrifies me that she can make those cognitive steps so rapidly, but I can’t fault the logic! My confusion lies in the presentation of the cryptic key points and the assumption that I am somehow privy to this line of reasoning without initial explanation!
[Full disclosure: I made rice anyway, couldn’t finish the curry and didn’t clear it away until today… I am a terrible person and she is a genius.]
I visited a friend this weekend and we discussed some of these issues, he has seen 3 children in and can still talk to his wife (so his passed on information trumps my psychobabble hands down.) His advice to me was that ‘pregnancy’ is not the time to try to take a stand. when people talk about women ‘nesting’ in pregnancy we assume that they mean sorting out the house, but perhaps actually they are ironing out the creases in the entire potential family dynamic. I’m not going to stop cooking rice with curry, that’s ridiculous! but I suppose I could stop being a dick about taking the rubbish out… Baby steps!