The Feeding Frenzy

We’re on the cusp of week 13 and it appears that I now have Munchausen (by Proxy). In layman’s terms, I am having my very own morning sickness and cravings gently and attentively thrust upon me.

Essentially I am being told that I am hungry, a lot. I am not sure why. My partner has a new found interest in what I eat all the time! She becomes very worried if I skip a meal (there is really no danger of me starving. I am being very kind to myself in my illustrations, you can add a stone to ‘illustrated blog me’… even then I’m probably still being quite kind to ‘real me’!)

I know! This sounds like the worst kind of ‘poor me’ British problem, but let me give example before you judge me…

For the last week and a half, every day after work we have had a very formulaic conversation. Here are the topic headers from my partner:

  • What I have eaten that day (perhaps this is because I divulged that sometimes I secret eat in the last post?)
  • Why I haven’t eaten more.
  • Why I am weird because of my eating habits.
  • Why I have always been weird because of my eating habits.
  • How I should eat correctly.
  • What I am eating tomorrow.
  • Why that isn’t enough.
  • A quick final recap about how weird I am about food.

I tried to sneak out without work sandwiches the other day, only to find sandwiches pre-packed in my work bag and an an accompanying guilt-bribe note explaining that she was sick twice because of the making of these sandwiches so I had better eat them. (It’s probably worth noting at this point that I had spent a large percentage of the evening before profusely assuring her to the fact that I did not want lunch, and that she shouldn’t worry about making anything for me.)

I had organised to meet a friend yesterday, but a meeting at work took longer than expected so I only had time to nip home to get changed. I spent my entire journey home assuring my partner that I would be fine missing one dinner while she panic listed in cross conversation all the food products in the house that she thought I could digest in the 10 minute turn around before going out.

When I got home, it was explained to me, in quite some detail exactly how to explain to my friend that I needed to eat, even though this had not been arranged as a ‘dinner’ friend-date! I’m not sure I would have been allowed to leave without acknowledging that I understood this. She continued: “He must not be offended just because you missed your tea and therefore have to awkwardly eat out with now. If he is a real friend he would understand if you bought yourself some dinner whilst out with him, even if he had already eaten!”

It appears as though my partner has taken on the role of my nan, except with whole meals rather than just lemonade and party rings (or latterly Bailey’s and Ginger Nuts, which nearly got me in a lot of trouble in Year 8 at school.)

I have to be honest, I am completely stumped with this one.

Here are my theories so far:

  • She is trying to eat vicariously though me because she still feels sick.
  • She is trying out her ‘inner mum voice.’
  • She would like us to have matching bumps (I’m still winning at the moment so she needn’t worry.)
  • She cares about me and feels particularly emotional at present, and food (because it is on her mind) is how this is manifesting itself. And yes, I am shamelessly trying to exploit that for a cheap laugh on a blog.

I’m pretty sure it’s the thing about the matching bumps.

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