It occurs to me that this blog gives me an opportunity! This being a place of refuge for me, a place to vent my concerns without risk of judgment, for as we all know, the good people of the world who peruse the internet, always do so with an open-minded and thoughtful manner, thus rendering this the perfect setting for me to air an apology to my partner regarding the way that I have behaved over a certain issue over the last few months, and that issue was the issue of her holiday.
A couple of months ago my partner approached me on the subject of her going away abroad with her mother, it was shortly after we had found out that we were pregnant again, and after a very short debate my final word on the subject was this:
“I don’t think it is a good idea, I don’t approve, I can see from your face that it is going to happen whatever I think, so I’m not sure why you mentioned it? Why are you even asking me? this is going to happen anyway so I guess that is that. I don’t particularly want to talk about it again.”
…and we didn’t. And she went.
She is coming back tomorrow and I bet she is one of those people that keeps her phone on, on the plane, so I thought (since none of the terrible things that I thought would happen, happened). I should offer her (You, if you are my parter reading this) my sincerest apologises, I was a dick about her (you) going, I’m glad she (you) is (are) coming back home soon safe and sound, I have missed her (You) terribly… if she (you… or anyone going through Duty Free actually) reads this before she (again, anyone) gets through Duty Free, please understand this is a very sincere apology, one that could be celebrated with a small bottle of Johnnie Walker perhaps?
So… Was it brave of me to selflessly publicise my apology to the world? Perhaps, I couldn’t possibly say… I guess some people might say brave and quite modern! Were my fears about her eating abroad, going on a plane pregnant, possibly getting in a situation that was unnecessary dangerous, grounded in reality? Sure! perhaps. Could one say, that any caring partner might have reservations about someone he cares about, who is carrying his child, going somewhere that he couldn’t reach if they needed him, be deemed a legitimate worry? I suppose so!
Might some people believe that my way of tackling the holiday was a little blunt and perhaps quite controlling? No… or I would hope they would at least see past that. Is there any possibility that apologising in this way was perhaps a rather contrived, cowardly and manipulative way to say sorry without doing so face to face? No way! Is it conceivably unfair and insincere to make an apology, whilst still shoehorning in your initial argument, without giving the other person the chance for rebuttal even when you know that you were in the wrong? I’m sure no one would ever see this that way!
I think we cleared that up, but just to be sure: I am truly sorry, you did deserve a holiday and I was a little blinkered about the whole thing… Come home safe. And lets never speak of my prior behaviour again.
Then it dawned on me the day she was going to leave!
I realised I had missed a very significant point about the whole affair! I was home alone, oestrogen free, bump free, pregnancy free… for a whole week!
This is how I planned the week would work out:
- Reconnect with all friends that I have neglected since [her] being pregnant and party like it is 1999 (or whenever is the presently accepted quintessential date to mention when ‘partying’ at the moment).
- Make the house really tidy, as though it is easy, so when she gets back she would realise how much work I do around the house.
- Watch many violent films.
- Lose loads of weight from not being on pregnancy food regime… Maybe start jogging?
- Finally sleep properly.
- Put together an online illustration portfolio.
- Drink heavily without feeling guilty, venture back into pubs!
This is how the week actually worked out:
- Managed to see a few friends (after some begging), had a lovely time, drank sensibly and discussed pregnancy, wives, partners, being old etc.
- I did face painting at a spring fair.
- I just about managed to keep the house as tidy it was before and realised that I don’t do as much as I thought around the house.
- I drank red wine out of a mug one day because I didn’t wash up (it tastes exactly the same, except for the mildest tang of shame.)
- I watched Beauty and the Beast with my son at the cinema.
- I put on a pound, I jogged once but only because I realised we left my sons iPad in Subway (the sandwich shop).
- I couldn’t sleep at all, I missed the all-terrain sleep patterns we had got used to.
- Following the sleepless nights, I attempted to imbue glycerine and glycol with Nytol to see if I could create a eJuice for vaping that could speed up the onset of sleepiness, had the briefest fantasy that I might make my millions inventing a vaping pen for napping… It doesn’t work, it tastes awful, it hurts your lungs and I have a suspicion that it is quite bad for you.
- I went to several pubs but mostly wondered back early, trying to clarify why I had ventured there.
In essence, it was ok but I actually really missed all the ‘stuff’; her, the pregnancy, the sleepless nights… Everything! I’m not restricted from doing things because I am with a partner or because of pregnancy, I’m restricted from living like a student because, I am getting really old and my friends are getting really old and this is more fun, and we are all just working towards trying to make a great family life, even if we need reminding of it sometimes.
That is until the last one flies the coop then we get to try the teenage thing again but even worse because we have the spare cash to make those Glastonbury Festival (sleeping at a lovely hotel nearby the festival of course!) Welly Warrior Fashion faux pas with pride.
I apologise to anyone reading this who was expecting a blog post about pregnancy, you see without the bump, I can’t even do that, I have simply been reduced to rambling about a week by myself, which isn’t really that interesting to anyone.
…but I think that, in essence, is the point of this post.